HAES

Still making crappy food choices. Not always but often enough. And I’m not feeling guilty because they are “bad” but because they make me feel tired and slow. I am somehow stuck here right now. I’d like to move beyond it. An occasional food/meal that makes me feel like yuck is one thing but not at this frequency.

I want to be that fat woman who works out regularly and eats healthy foods because they make me feel good. Although I am still struggling with body image at times I do feel more of an urge to feel better through food and exercise than to lose weight.

That’s new.

I’m trying to surround myself with HAES talk. I was already going to FA blogs but now I’m delving in a bit deeper. I do think how society looks at fat people is shameful and needs to be changed but my primary interest right now is how *I* look at myself. How *I* treat myself because I am a fat woman. I stopped visiting FA blogs for a bit a couple of months ago because I wasn’t sure where I fit in.

But now I see where I fit in – to learn from these activists, women, and men. So many of the bloggers and commenters practice HAES and I’d love to actively do that as well. I want to feel good about and in my body. Never mind that I want to set a good example for my daughter who will be watching me like a hawk the older she gets. Heck – I need to treat my body as well as I feed hers.

My health needs a little mothering.

Read Full Post »

Slow Morning Wake Up Call

So I watched Rachel and Mo Pie on the Mike and Julie show (I am so out of the loop – are they the alternative Regis and Kelly??). First of all – they did soooo awesome. I would have been shaking in my boots (with anger) at some of the crap that Roth woman was spewing. They were very eloquent in their responses – I just wish they had more time.

But my major wake up call was watching the opening with Rachel (F-Word). I kept thinking how great she looked and how I wished I looked as good as she did. I was envious of her body/her look (obviously have way more self-acceptance to do). And the kicker was – she revealed her height and weight and that’s exactly me to a T! <thud>

Wake up there, Zmama, even you would check yourself out! Ha!

Now I should find out where she shops.

Read Full Post »

No Thanks

Friends and I cohosted a baby shower for another good friend today. While cleaning up we were just shootin’ the shit and I mentioned how when someone offers me something I often say no thank you before even considering if I need/want it.

For instance, if I am getting a haircut and the assistant offers me water or coffee I say no thanks – and then often realize I am actually thirsty and free water would kick some thirst behind.

It seems to be my instant reaction to deny a kind gesture without even giving it much thought. Immediately I do not want to be a burden. Most of the time it is someone whose job it is to offer me this <insert whatever> so it makes even less sense that I would feel like a burden.

And the strange thing is that I’m not an introverted person. I will ask for what I want in a job situation or at home. I would bet my friends would describe me as someone who does not shy away from life.

So why the frick can’t I just accept a glass of water or a seat when it is offered??

Read Full Post »

Slippery Slope?

Would it be a slippery slope if I wrote down foods that make me feel healthy and well? Would that make me automatically reject them and choose crap that makes me feel bad? I lean towards yes – I am that messed up in my head that it just may make me head over to crazy town.

But part of me really wants to. Not to say “this list of foods is the be all and end all for me” but to have something to look at when I need a bit of guidance.

I am sick of eating foods that make me feel like garbage because I choose them out of habit and some sort of false craving. I mean, I think the craving is there but I don’t really think my body is truly craving those foods. If it was, wouldn’t those foods make me feel energetic and well?

I am torn here. My M.O. would be to reject anything I write out like that. I don’t know if I am ready to buck the system.

Read Full Post »

Befuddled

Why do I choose foods that make me feel like shit?

I eat so many crappy carb foods. They make me feel weak, foggy, slow. Why do I do this to myself? I always feel better with protein and healthier carbs like veggies and fruits. But I don’t make that choice for myself on a regular basis yet.

What possesses me to feed me foods that make me feel this way??

**********

Just the posting I needed to read today.

Read Full Post »

Clothing

I have a hard time shopping for clothing. Pants that fit are usually wayyyy too long (I am 5′ 3″) and shirts that fit well are rare as well – I am big breasted and usually shirts that fit the girls are too huge every where else.

I am wearing a size 12 pants at the moment but they LIE. I am NOT a size 12 – more like a 14/16. The 3 pairs of pants that I truly love and that fit me well are my Red Number 2 petites. I have them only in jeans but may buy them in the slacks – anyone know if they fit the same? They don’t sell them in my local LB stores. Grumble.

I need some shirts but am at a loss as to wear to go. Lane Bryant doesn’t really carry anything I would ever wear. The Right Fit jeans were the first things I ever bought in the store (minus an occasional bra, although those don’t quite fit right).

If I try on clothes in the plus sized section of Target they are cut too big for me. If I try on the larger sizes in the regular section, they fit funny and are always crazy long in the legs.

My body image is pretty mediocre these days and I am sure part of it is that I need a larger wardrobe that I feel good in. I’m just not sure where to go.  I don’t seem to be thin enough or fat enough.

Sigh.

Read Full Post »

Heh

I finally got the phone call and the details that I was waiting for were acceptable so I accepted the position.

Easy peasy.

Sigh.  So what a waste of anxiety, over eating, what not.   When I get all swirly like that I just want to deal with it without reaching for food.  That’s my one (out of many) wish.

Read Full Post »

Consume

I may be switching part time jobs (I am primarily a SAHM to Z and also work about 10 hours a week out of the home). I have been offered a part time gig at my old job but am waiting to hear about 2 crucial details before giving them my official yes.

It’s been over 24 hours since I was told “I will get right back to you about those 2 details” and it is driving me a bit nuts. I’m not quite sure why I am filled with such anxiety. Even if I don’t do this I will stay at my current place of employment where I am quite happy. I guess it is just the unknown. This new job will mean DH works from home one day a week (to be with Z) and we will need childcare for Z the other day (this is new for us – she’s only been with us, my parents, or a very close friend for childcare). We will have our weekends back (most of the hours I work are on Saturday) and I may take in a little bit more $ with this new job.

I just hate not knowing what the final verdict is going to be.

So here I am, consumed with anxiety over something I have no control over at the moment and something that may be life changing but not a life necessity. A rational mind would shrug it off and just ride the wave of wait. But not me.

Consumed with anxiety and also over consuming a bit with food. I have been doing OK, over all, during this but I definitely ate too much at dinner last night. I also bought a meal I have enjoyed over eating in the past – and did it knowing full well I would give myself a bit of a food coma with it. Nothing subconscious going on here. It was all in the front of my mind.

The one positive is that I told myself that this was all I had in me to care for myself at the moment and that I did not beat myself up for it (I’m not happy with myself but I am not berating myself, either). When Women Stop Hating Their Bodies helped me get in the right mindset to accept some of my self-medication with food and to not yell at myself over it.

I do look forward to the day when I can take care of myself in a healthier way. I know I do that now but I really want to be able to do that in times like this. AND to be able to handle these blips in life without becoming so anxious and consumed with the situation.

Read Full Post »

More On Spiritual Eating

Someone found my blog by doing a search for “spiritual eating”. I was curious to see how I came up via that way on Google so I did the same search, which also led me to this article.

I am confused how this is considered “spiritual eating”. I see how one or two of the things she did made her a more conscious eater during that month (like eating alone – but we all know how I react to that idea right now). But the rest just sounded like a diet gimmick to eat less food (and how are you supposed to eat until full once you eat what’s in the bowl and are still hungry – are you allowed to fill it up again?). Never mind how she ate her very first day off the diet.

Being the Disordered Eater that I am, as I read the article I quickly flirted with the idea of how I could “control” my eating by only allowing a certain portion that is bowl-sized per meal. I could even use a beautiful, ceramic bowl. It all looked quite lovely in my head for about one minute.

By the time I was done reading the article, I was already feeling the anxiety over considering another diet and getting a knot in my stomach because of how limiting this “spiritual way of eating” (what ever) was. I went through this whole array of emotions, highs, and lows within 4 minutes of reading this article.

Crazy making.

On a rational note, I am pretty amazed how easy it is to sucker me in to the fantasy of a new diet. Something in me is craving that high, that promise, that something extra. I wonder if I’ll ever be able to satiate that inner need or if it will always be something I have to keep an eye on.

Read Full Post »

But I Don’t Wanna!!

Since Z realized she was 2 today and should start tantruming at a drop of a hat (wheeee!), I’m going to have a mini hissy fit about Geneen Roth’s suggestion to not eat while watching TV/reading/using the computer, etc…

Wahhhhh!

I always eat when doing something else – usually while surfing the web. The idea of eating without entertaining my mind at the same time seems incredibly boring to me. I definitely think she makes a good point that TV/reading is a distraction from your hunger signals as you eat. I do. But I like enjoying my breakfast while catching up on the news or one of my message boards. The idea of staring off into the ether while I eat doesn’t feel natural to me. It kind of gives me the willies.

That’s weird, isn’t it? This post is making a huge sign above my head that says Disordered Eater Below, isn’t it??

Mleh. I could give up the TV watching while eating sooner than I could the reading (internet) and eating.

I’m going to have to mull this over a lot longer.

Read Full Post »