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Archive for the ‘Self-Esteem’ Category

Here.

I’ve been waiting for my fricken Oprah “Aha” moment and it has yet to come.

I don’t think there really is one.  I think I just need to push through the muck and do what I need to do.  I need to try some “diet” changes to see if they help my horrendous adult acne (which has gotten worse the last 6 months).  And I need to get over the fact that it means I have to spend some time planning and thinking about what goes into my mouth.

There’s no Aha moment that will make this easy for me.  I’m going to struggle and I’m going to resist changes.  But I know I need to try this out – not only is my “vanity” hurtin’ but so is my damn face.  I’m sick of it.

I do have to admit that it feels good to finally just admit that there isn’t some huge moment/hurtle I have to experience before just doing it.  That releases a bit of weight off my shoulders.

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I think I’ve gained a bit of weight plus my period is starting today.  And I am having a life change start tomorrow that I’m not too thrilled about (but doing it for the greater good that will put the family in a much happier spot – just the initial doing it is getting me down).

I’m in a shitty place.

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Not that I have been hugely active the last few months – but tomorrow it’s been one year since I started this blog.

Have I lost any weight?  Nope!  Have I yo-yoed up and down, like I used to? Nope!

Have I gained a bit of sanity and appreciation for my body this last year? Yup!

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Overall, non-thoughts about my body.

Occasional negative ones…

Almost always, redirecting myself from negative thoughts…

But still not treating my body right with nourishing food and exercise…

A standstill…

Yup. Still….

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I’ve gone into lurk mode.  Mainly from my phone, too.  Reading up on the fatosphere a couple times a week

My skin has been breaking out like mad for several months so I am working on prepping my mind to try some things nutritionally to see if it helps.  We’ll see…

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I have a weekend conference next week and the fam is coming along since it’s in beautiful Monterey. I just realized the hotel has an indoor pool and I know Z would love that. So she not only needs a new bathing suit but I am 99% sure I need one as well. Last summer I just wore my old suit that fit everything but my breasts which are larger due to nursing (although we’re working on weaning and I swear they haven’t change size since she was an infant and nursing every 2 hours – I wouldn’t mind them shrinking a tad once she has fully weaned). I didn’t mind swimming in that bathing suit at our building since my boobs spilling out wasn’t too horrible and it was where we lived. But a public pool seems to require a better fitting bathing suit.

So, after I double check that my 2 suits aren’t fitting the girls, I’m going to have to deal with the dreaded bathing suit shopping this week. I can be decently body happy in my Right Fit Jeans and form fitting (not tight) shirt but a bathing suit is another matter. Some mind prep work is in order.

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The block I am having with HAES is the guilt I feel about not practicing it to the best of my ability. And, the thing is, guilt shouldn’t even be associated with HAES in that fashion in the first place.

What is it about me that makes me feel guilty with how I am as a person? Rational Me knows that I am a good person, a good mommy, a good wife, a good friend, a good professional, a good daughter. So why should the fact that I struggle with taking care of myself to my fullest potential make me feel like such shit at times? What’s with this judge and jury in my head??

But, I’m still here. I’m not dieting. I am fighting back negative thoughts (*most of the time*). I am trying to become the female role model I want my daughter to grow up with. I do not want her life (for me, namely, my 20s) wasted away by body hate, dieting, self-esteem issues, yadda yadda yadda. Never mind the crazy ass crap that is out there for her to read when she’s barely 10 years old. <sigh>

And, on a slightly related note, please don’t comment on my blog to tell me you can make me “stop gaining weight” and become an intuitive eater in 21 days. I want that second back when I clicked on “spam” instead of my normal “approve”. Bah.

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