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Archive for the ‘Disorded Eating’ Category

It seems a lot of my attempts to balance my life is in my head and rarely applied.

I don’t feel healthy.  I do think I need to work on my “diet” (what I eat, not a strict plan of calorie reduction) and also get a regular exercise program going.  We want to start trying for baby #2 in the new year and I would like to feel A LOT better in my body before getting knocked up.  I don’t feel good at this size.  I can’t imagine adding a growing fetus.

I also do not like how my fat interferes with yoga.  I don’t want to modify because my fat is getting in the way.  I want my body to bend into the asanas the way it can best due to strength and flexibility.  I have to admit it really pisses me off when I know I could go further but my gut is preventing me.  I’m not doing yoga very often right now and it’s because I don’t enjoy it like I did in a smaller body.  This is not about vanity, this is about comfort.

I think there can be a balance found between accepting my body the way it is currently but then also working on making it a more comfortable, healthier, and stronger body.

Since starting this blog, I have definitely found some balance mentally.  But I am not physically where I hoped I would be.  That’s now my focus (while keeping the crazies out of my head).

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I have had such an urge to do yoga lately and am adding to my yoga DVD collection.  I’ve also been do a bit of cardio and strength training.  But I really just feel like doing yoga every day (with some pilates thrown in).

My long term, very future goal is do have a daily yoga practice.  Even further away is to have a serious one – long practices every day (not exactly a feat that I see happening with little ones under foot).

I have to admit being annoyed my my large breasts and mother belly getting in the way of some poses.  I am pretty flexible for some asanas (not all, especially upper body – lots of room for growth there) and there are times I could go further if the fat wasn’t in the way.  So, yes, a part of me hopes those areas shrink for the benefit of my practice.  Am I going to diet to do that?  Nope.  Am I beating myself up about it and drowning in negative body thoughts?  Nah.

Would I have done these things like 3 years ago?  Probably.  Definitely 4 years ago.  (Having Z in my life has made me more sane about all of this, even pre-blog/actively seeking body sanity).

I have also tweaked my “diet” (the food I eat) a bit to lessen the wheat and dairy a good deal and to increase the good fats.  I am doing this to hopefully clear up mu skin.  I’m giving it a few months before deciding if it works or not.  But I have to say, I am feeling better after these meals so far.  Nothing is off limits (hence me saying I am going “wheat and dairy light”) and I have not gone into crazy deprivation mode since I don’t feel like I am depriving myself at all.  This is very big for me.  Usually even the smallest “diet” change (no matter the reason) meant I was going to end up in The Head Crazies.

Small, baby steps…

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I think I’ve gained a bit of weight plus my period is starting today.  And I am having a life change start tomorrow that I’m not too thrilled about (but doing it for the greater good that will put the family in a much happier spot – just the initial doing it is getting me down).

I’m in a shitty place.

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And that’s my problem. I am stuck in between diet-high-frenzy and just getting to the fucking point of my own personal HAES.

I’d like to be over it now, please.

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Not that I have been hugely active the last few months – but tomorrow it’s been one year since I started this blog.

Have I lost any weight?  Nope!  Have I yo-yoed up and down, like I used to? Nope!

Have I gained a bit of sanity and appreciation for my body this last year? Yup!

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Been thinking about posting.  But not posting.

I am feeding* FA and BA blogs almost daily.  Learning to accept the ever changing feelings about my body – slowlllllly realizing that getting over myself and learning HAES may actually take as long as obsessing over my weight did.

But I really hope a decade is not needed.

*that’s supposed to be “reading”. Funny typo.

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Overall, non-thoughts about my body.

Occasional negative ones…

Almost always, redirecting myself from negative thoughts…

But still not treating my body right with nourishing food and exercise…

A standstill…

Yup. Still….

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