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Archive for September, 2007

I am a Should Person. I should myself a lot. I should eat this because it’s healthy. I should workout because I am a fat, lazy slob if I don’t. I should do such and such because I just read that such and such provides so much happiness.

You get the point.

There are so many gems in When Women Stop Hating Their Bodies and I am just adoring this book (thanks, again, GoodWithCheese!). Page 171 really spoke to me when I read it.

As you approach the experience of “voting for the inside”, it is important to distinguish between feeling you must stop eating as soon as you have had enough and feeling that you would like to stop eating as soon as you have had enough.

That really clicked with me because I was am in the must stop boat. I haven’t found it in myself to naturally stop because I actually want to. I haven’t built a strong enough Internal Caretaker to get to this point. WWSHTB really emphasizes building this caretaker slowly, by being kind to myself as I care for myself with food, choose a food that my body wants – not that my diet-ridden head says is OK, etc… I read their other book but somehow missed that it was such a process to get to this point of finding true satisfaction with food, consistently. Consistency being the key because I have been able to stop eating a yummy food without overeating. Just not every time.

And, because I am a Shouldy McShoulddison, this turns in to a brow beating for not getting it “right” every time.

So it’s important for me to see these things, like the above quote, laid out in black and white. I am slow on the uptake it seems. I am finding this book so helpful in my recovery. This blog as well. I have not consistently journaled like this in so long.

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Life

Z and I wandered the aisles of the supermarket today because I had no clue what to buy for dinner. Absolutely. No. Clue.

It seriously took me 20 minutes of walking around and eyeing the Life Cereal stand before I succumbed to the fact that Life was the only thing interesting me. Out of the entire supermarket.

So yay, I guess? I listened to my body and bought what it wanted. But I have to admit – I am a bit angry with my body for wanting Life Cereal and not steak or something more meal-like. I am trying to feel the pleasure in listening to my body and cravings and respecting them. But that’s being drowned by my dislike for what I truly wanted. But I will keep plugging along with acceptance.

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Breakfast

I think it is pretty typical of me to be hungry first thing in the morning. I say “I think” because this is an assumption I have always made. I have not sat down with this assumption every morning, yet, to see how my body feels. Well, until today. Today I thought about how my body felt, if I was hungry, or if eating left-over pizza was speaking to me more than actually being hungry for it (yes, a decade since college I still enjoy pizza in the morn).

Well, I sat with it for about 90 minutes (sipping my morning tea, reading blogs). And I KEPT thinking about the damn pizza. The pizza continuously called out to me – “Hey, Zmama, you have yummy day old pizza waiting to be eaten! Don’t lose this opportunity!!”. I could feel the fear of losing this wonderful morning treat – even though I am the only one in this family who would even touch the stuff. So, instead of just succumbing to this fear and eating before my body was ready, I sat with this fear and reminded myself several times that the food was going no where. I could enjoy it when I was actually hungry and that eating it before then would be wasteful since I wouldn’t get to truly experience a tasty treat without actually being hungry for one.

Sheesh – that’s a lot of work for left-over pizza. And boy am I jealous of people who this comes naturally to. I really want to be one of those people.

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I feel like I am making way more progress figuring out foods I do not like (when I had originally thought I did) than foods I actually do like. It is frustrating. Not only did I realize this past week that my “beloved” Starbuck’s pumpkin scones were too sweet for me, but I am not in to their pumpkin spice latte like I thought I was. I have had 2 this season and neither time did I love them (I tried today for the second time because I didn’t believe my first reaction – ha).

It’s not like I am not realizing what foods I enjoy at all. Just not at the same level as the ones my body is rejecting. I am also having an internal tantrum because I’m losing the excitement for food. Am I supposed to find something nonfood to become excited by? Am I supposed to not look for a “high” in things like that? Is it not healthy? Or will I someday get excited by food again – once I figure out a variety my body truly enjoys??

I am also getting the nagging feeling that I am going to have to become a cook in this process. I am not talented in this area in the slightest. I don’t know how to naturally combine foods to make them good. I have to look up what spices/herbs to use on what. And I am really bad at cooking more than 2 things at once. I don’t plan well.

So do I just force myself to cook more? Does it become more natural and less painful the more I practice? And why is this post full of ????? Ugh – sorry.

I think this post is coming off a bit grumpy-sounding. Sorry about that. I am actually not feeling as pissy as I may be sounding. Just trying to work these things out for myself.

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I have read about Lane Bryant’s Right Fit jeans in a variety of places. I have only shopped at Lane Bryant for bras in the past. I can still get away with shopping in the women’s section of Target/Old Navy, etc… (yes, I buy inexpensive clothes. I seem to ruin shirts quite easily. Plus after working with special needs kids for several years, I went with the comfy/cheap to replace stuff).

So, I avoided shopping at a fat girl store. I didn’t want to embrace my fat girl. My fat girl sucked and shouldn’t have existed. It wasn’t the “real me” anyway. I didn’t even like buying bras in there. I felt shame. I’m pretty embarrassed to admit that, but there it is.

But now here I am, working my buttocks off for some self-acceptance, and I read these different posts about how wonderful these jeans are. I have not worn jeans since I was a size 8 – minus the pregnancy ones I wore (those were sooo cute – they rode under my big belly and just looked totally adorable). I hung on to those size 8 (Express) jeans for YEARS. It was probably 1999 when I last wore them. I finally chucked them last year when I flirted with giving up dieting. Yay for that – but I still was jeansless and feeling like I didn’t have a body to wear jeans.

Well, eff that. Z and I walked to the mall today and she enjoyed watching me trying on a variety of sizes. I actually walked in thinking I was a Blue but I am a Red. The salesperson gave me a 3 and 4 – 3 was too loose but then the 2 fit PERFECTLY. Loved them. Loved them, loved them, loved them. I looked pretty fricken awesome in them, thank you.

Unfortunately, they did not have them in petite for me (I’m a shorty). I ordered 2 pairs – one in flare and one in bootcut (both dark wash). The store can order them and I don’t have to pay shipping – sweet.

I am beyond excited about wearing jeans again. It feels so liberating. I wasn’t even walking around in sweats** – I did wear corduroys, etc… But jeans represent something in my head for some reason – comfort/fashion/something I didn’t plan to buy until I deserved them (aka, lost weight).

I’m so glad I am in this place, now. Even with the frustrations I am experiencing, I am still better off than I was just 3 months ago. I’m not only glad for myself, but for Z as well. Body acceptance and self-love is a gift I want her to learn from me. If I could save her from the years of self-disgust that I put myself through in my 20s, that would be one of the best gifts I could ever give her.

** I take that back. No sweats but I will wear exercise pants, etc… I look much better in “real” clothes than that stuff. And I feel much better in “real” clothes as well. I need to build my wardrobe.

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Frustration

I am finding it difficult to actually know the foods I enjoy. There are so many foods I thought I liked but lately they do not appeal to me. And I am not always respecting that, either. Last night I ate Ben and Jerry’s ice cream even though a few bites in I knew it wasn’t satisfying me. But I ate it anyway. Ugh.

We also do not have tons of money to spend on food – so that also makes it a bit frustrating because it’s difficult to experiment, etc… with a limited pocketbook. I am still reading my book and really like it so far. I am going to have to make more of an effort to read it during the day since I fall asleep after a section or 2 at night. I’ll also fall asleep reading it during Z’s nap – ah, the sleepiness of being a toddler’s mommy. I’ll have to make a point to read it while she plays or something.

I am also having trouble staying consistent with workouts – ones I enjoy, even. I know I still have the “shoulds” floating over me when it comes to working out. I never worked out for the sheer enjoyment of it – ever. I was not a sporty kid or teen. I didn’t become interested in working out until my early 20s when my metabolism slowed down and my body wasn’t as skinny as it once was. So there’s some major mind retraining that will need to go on here.

Things are definitely better. But I have to admit I still feel overwhelmed by this whole thing. No urges to diet, though, thankfully.

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Just A Quickie

As a self-proclaimed sweet-tooth owner, I am discovering more and more that I am not so in love the treats I thought I would die for.  Not saying I don’t like sweets – there are several that still proudly wear the “Zmama Eats Me” button.

But the “I can’t wait for Fall” Starbucks pumpkin scone ended up being a huge let down.  Wow.  Now what?

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