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Archive for the ‘Foods I Like’ Category

Cake o’Rice

Z is eating a brown rice cake slathered in almond butter right now (along with an apple and some grapes).

The rice cake looks good to me. With the almond (or peanut) butter on it.

I wouldn’t have touched a rice cake while dieting since it was a classic diet food. My rebellious side wouldn’t have allowed it. I think it’s pretty funny that my body thinks it looks pretty darn good right now – and not because of the caloric content or whatever. But because it looks tasty all almonded up like that.

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Chore

This morning I shared a delicious meal with Z at our favorite local diner. I wish all my meals were as satisfying. And it was diner food so not the epitome of health but I still walked away feeling good in my body – not low and weak like I am finding myself post-meals so often these days.

I am still questioning why I am doing this to my body so frequently – I think Megan nailed a huge aspect of it for me in the comments of my last post. Figuring out what my body truly wants and getting it all made is a chore.

So how do I get beyond that? My life is not going to get less busy being a mother to a delightful, busy bodied two year old. Like most of us, life is just pretty damn full. I am doing better to include moving my body (pilates and yoga mostly) a few times a week. Now I need to figure out how to feed my body the food it crave. I really want to feel more alive after a meal.

I am still flirting with the idea of making a list of foods/meals that I enjoy eating and that do not leave me feeling lethargic in the end. It makes me a tad nervous that it will bring out the dieter in me and, eventually, the rebel (heh, that sounds much cooler than it actual feels at the time). Heck, I couldn’t even food journal for a full day ala Geneen Roth because it stirred up too many diet memories and emotions. But it would give me something concrete to focus on before making a food choice. Stopping myself and thinking about what my body wants isn’t happening – maybe making myself look at a list will allow myself the time to connect with my body before feeding it.

It’s a bit like a menu – and I usually make choices at restaurants that I truly want. I may over eat them (although much better at this) but if I eat to satisfaction I don’t feel like crap afterward. Like my diner meal with Z today.

Writing this blog post has convinced me to at least try making a list. Hopefully it will help and not backfire.

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Would it be a slippery slope if I wrote down foods that make me feel healthy and well? Would that make me automatically reject them and choose crap that makes me feel bad? I lean towards yes – I am that messed up in my head that it just may make me head over to crazy town.

But part of me really wants to. Not to say “this list of foods is the be all and end all for me” but to have something to look at when I need a bit of guidance.

I am sick of eating foods that make me feel like garbage because I choose them out of habit and some sort of false craving. I mean, I think the craving is there but I don’t really think my body is truly craving those foods. If it was, wouldn’t those foods make me feel energetic and well?

I am torn here. My M.O. would be to reject anything I write out like that. I don’t know if I am ready to buck the system.

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Why do I choose foods that make me feel like shit?

I eat so many crappy carb foods. They make me feel weak, foggy, slow. Why do I do this to myself? I always feel better with protein and healthier carbs like veggies and fruits. But I don’t make that choice for myself on a regular basis yet.

What possesses me to feed me foods that make me feel this way??

**********

Just the posting I needed to read today.

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Life

Z and I wandered the aisles of the supermarket today because I had no clue what to buy for dinner. Absolutely. No. Clue.

It seriously took me 20 minutes of walking around and eyeing the Life Cereal stand before I succumbed to the fact that Life was the only thing interesting me. Out of the entire supermarket.

So yay, I guess? I listened to my body and bought what it wanted. But I have to admit – I am a bit angry with my body for wanting Life Cereal and not steak or something more meal-like. I am trying to feel the pleasure in listening to my body and cravings and respecting them. But that’s being drowned by my dislike for what I truly wanted. But I will keep plugging along with acceptance.

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I feel like I am making way more progress figuring out foods I do not like (when I had originally thought I did) than foods I actually do like. It is frustrating. Not only did I realize this past week that my “beloved” Starbuck’s pumpkin scones were too sweet for me, but I am not in to their pumpkin spice latte like I thought I was. I have had 2 this season and neither time did I love them (I tried today for the second time because I didn’t believe my first reaction – ha).

It’s not like I am not realizing what foods I enjoy at all. Just not at the same level as the ones my body is rejecting. I am also having an internal tantrum because I’m losing the excitement for food. Am I supposed to find something nonfood to become excited by? Am I supposed to not look for a “high” in things like that? Is it not healthy? Or will I someday get excited by food again – once I figure out a variety my body truly enjoys??

I am also getting the nagging feeling that I am going to have to become a cook in this process. I am not talented in this area in the slightest. I don’t know how to naturally combine foods to make them good. I have to look up what spices/herbs to use on what. And I am really bad at cooking more than 2 things at once. I don’t plan well.

So do I just force myself to cook more? Does it become more natural and less painful the more I practice? And why is this post full of ????? Ugh – sorry.

I think this post is coming off a bit grumpy-sounding. Sorry about that. I am actually not feeling as pissy as I may be sounding. Just trying to work these things out for myself.

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Frustration

I am finding it difficult to actually know the foods I enjoy. There are so many foods I thought I liked but lately they do not appeal to me. And I am not always respecting that, either. Last night I ate Ben and Jerry’s ice cream even though a few bites in I knew it wasn’t satisfying me. But I ate it anyway. Ugh.

We also do not have tons of money to spend on food – so that also makes it a bit frustrating because it’s difficult to experiment, etc… with a limited pocketbook. I am still reading my book and really like it so far. I am going to have to make more of an effort to read it during the day since I fall asleep after a section or 2 at night. I’ll also fall asleep reading it during Z’s nap – ah, the sleepiness of being a toddler’s mommy. I’ll have to make a point to read it while she plays or something.

I am also having trouble staying consistent with workouts – ones I enjoy, even. I know I still have the “shoulds” floating over me when it comes to working out. I never worked out for the sheer enjoyment of it – ever. I was not a sporty kid or teen. I didn’t become interested in working out until my early 20s when my metabolism slowed down and my body wasn’t as skinny as it once was. So there’s some major mind retraining that will need to go on here.

Things are definitely better. But I have to admit I still feel overwhelmed by this whole thing. No urges to diet, though, thankfully.

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