The fam is flying cross country to Maine (brrrr!) on Sunday for the week to visit the ILs. Unless something strikes me, I doubt I’ll update the blog during then. I am going to have to find a wee bit of time each day to get my IE/FA blog fix, though. Especially with the little demons in my head reminding me that I am the exact same size as I was during last year’s visit (egads!).
I’ll continue with my internal come back response - well, at least I am not yo yo-ing up and down as per usual.
Z is eating a brown rice cake slathered in almond butter right now (along with an apple and some grapes).
The rice cake looks good to me. With the almond (or peanut) butter on it.
I wouldn’t have touched a rice cake while dieting since it was a classic diet food. My rebellious side wouldn’t have allowed it. I think it’s pretty funny that my body thinks it looks pretty darn good right now - and not because of the caloric content or whatever. But because it looks tasty all almonded up like that.
I finally got around to watching Penn & Teller’s Bullshit! show on obesity after reading about it on a couple of blogs. We actually get Showtime because of DH’s work (they pay for it - woot!) but I have never seen this show. I think I am going to let Tivo know that it gets some green thumbs up. Never mind that Penn has a special place in my heart for being the voice of Comedy Central - his voice brings me back to college and Mystery Science 3K viewings.
I don’t have much new to add that hasn’t been discussed in the linked blogs or their comments. I am happy that this topic is being discussed outside of the blogosphere and talk show genre. And in a funny, entertaining way.
YouTube has the episodes in 3 parts - warning, mucho language and a bit of nudity.
Last week DH and I took little Z to her first political rally.
The speeches were incredible and it was just a great, powerful experience. Z did amazingly well, being a 2 year old and all.
Oprah’s speech was strong and moving. Not only was I wowed by her words but I also couldn’t help but think how beautiful she looked up on stage (and we had a great view, right on the floor). She had this bigger than life presence, this strength, this beauty. I’m not an Oprah watcher - I feel relatively neutral about the woman (minus a dislike of how she interview celebs, but, whatever).
Leaving the rally, I had quite the high. More so for who I was excited to vote for and from every stirring speech I heard (never mind actually hearing Stevie Wonder sing live - wowza!!) but this included the incredible words I heard Oprah speak.
How rather sobering it was to then read that Oprah’s weight and size were once again the fodder of “news“. Not only because it’s just frustrating that people continue to define this woman by her size and weight but also because I remember thinking how gorgeous she looked on stage. Yes, I agreed with many of her sentiments (and politics in this case) but it mainly stung because it felt like a virtual slap. To Oprah but also to the rest of us strong women (and men) who are examined and ridiculed because our bodies are too fat, too thin, too lumpy, too bony, too something.
Judgments of body shapes and looks will never go away. I’m not saying they should not be challenged but I seriously doubt they will disappear in my lifetime. So do I let this anger fuel me? Or do I let it go into the ether and live my life loving my body and learning to appreciate all shapes and sizes? Maybe it will be a bit of ebb and flow, who knows.
I think at least 10 times have I seen that this is a search term for how someone finds my blog (probably because of this post).
Who are these people wanting to know a way to ask a person their clothing size?? What is their purpose to gain this information? What will they do when they find how to appropriately (ha!) ask a person their size?
Bizarre.
On a totally unrelated note, I ordered myself some yoga cards (and I also have these somewhere but haven’t seen them in ages - going to have to sift through our insane closets). I enjoy my DVDs but am thinking that doing my own practice would be nice as well. I don’t know how to do that, though, without some sort of guidance.
I have been thinking about yoga a lot lately. Reading magazines, etc… and looking around for some blogs to check out (suggestions appreciated). I have been practicing it off and on for more than a decade but never at 100%. I do love it, though. I am relatively flexible (well, in my lower half - my upper body definitely not) and love the feeling of yoga. So here I am, working on getting it into my life in a regular fashion.
And I have yet to make my food list. Just letting that be and figuring it will happen if it needs to.
This morning I shared a delicious meal with Z at our favorite local diner. I wish all my meals were as satisfying. And it was diner food so not the epitome of health but I still walked away feeling good in my body - not low and weak like I am finding myself post-meals so often thesedays.
I am still questioning why I am doing this to my body so frequently - I think Megan nailed a huge aspect of it for me in the comments of my last post. Figuring out what my body truly wants and getting it all made is a chore.
So how do I get beyond that? My life is not going to get less busy being a mother to a delightful, busy bodied two year old. Like most of us, life is just pretty damn full. I am doing better to include moving my body (pilates and yoga mostly) a few times a week. Now I need to figure out how to feed my body the food it crave. I really want to feel more alive after a meal.
I am still flirting with the idea of making a list of foods/meals that I enjoy eating and that do not leave me feeling lethargic in the end. It makes me a tad nervous that it will bring out the dieter in me and, eventually, the rebel (heh, that sounds much cooler than it actual feels at the time). Heck, I couldn’t even food journal for a full day ala Geneen Roth because it stirred up too many diet memories and emotions. But it would give me something concrete to focus on before making a food choice. Stopping myself and thinking about what my body wants isn’t happening - maybe making myself look at a list will allow myself the time to connect with my body before feeding it.
It’s a bit like a menu - and I usually make choices at restaurants that I truly want. I may over eat them (although much better at this) but if I eat to satisfaction I don’t feel like crap afterward. Like my diner meal with Z today.
Writing this blog post has convinced me to at least try making a list. Hopefully it will help and not backfire.
Still making crappy food choices. Not always but often enough. And I’m not feeling guilty because they are “bad” but because they make me feel tired and slow. I am somehow stuck here right now. I’d like to move beyond it. An occasional food/meal that makes me feel like yuck is one thing but not at this frequency.
I want to be that fat woman who works out regularly and eats healthy foods because they make me feel good. Although I am still struggling with body image at times I do feel more of an urge to feel better through food and exercise than to lose weight.
That’s new.
I’m trying to surround myself with HAES talk. I was already going to FA blogs but now I’m delving in a bit deeper. I do think how society looks at fat people is shameful and needs to be changed but my primary interest right now is how *I* look at myself. How *I* treat myself because I am a fat woman. I stopped visiting FA blogs for a bit a couple of months ago because I wasn’t sure where I fit in.
But now I see where I fit in - to learn from these activists, women, and men. So many of the bloggers and commenters practice HAES and I’d love to actively do that as well. I want to feel good about and in my body. Never mind that I want to set a good example for my daughter who will be watching me like a hawk the older she gets. Heck - I need to treat my body as well as I feed hers.
So I watched Rachel and Mo Pie on the Mike and Julie show (I am so out of the loop - are they the alternative Regis and Kelly??). First of all - they did soooo awesome. I would have been shaking in my boots (with anger) at some of the crap that Roth woman was spewing. They were very eloquent in their responses - I just wish they had more time.
But my major wake up call was watching the opening with Rachel (F-Word). I kept thinking how great she looked and how I wished I looked as good as she did. I was envious of her body/her look (obviously have way more self-acceptance to do). And the kicker was - she revealed her height and weight and that’s exactly me to a T! <thud>
Wake up there, Zmama, even you would check yourself out! Ha!
Friends and I cohosted a baby shower for another good friend today. While cleaning up we were just shootin’ the shit and I mentioned how when someone offers me something I often say no thank you before even considering if I need/want it.
For instance, if I am getting a haircut and the assistant offers me water or coffee I say no thanks - and then often realize I am actually thirsty and free water would kick some thirst behind.
It seems to be my instant reaction to deny a kind gesture without even giving it much thought. Immediately I do not want to be a burden. Most of the time it is someone whose job it is to offer me this <insert whatever> so it makes even less sense that I would feel like a burden.
And the strange thing is that I’m not an introverted person. I will ask for what I want in a job situation or at home. I would bet my friends would describe me as someone who does not shy away from life.
So why the frick can’t I just accept a glass of water or a seat when it is offered??
Would it be a slippery slope if I wrote down foods that make me feel healthy and well? Would that make me automatically reject them and choose crap that makes me feel bad? I lean towards yes - I am that messed up in my head that it just may make me head over to crazy town.
But part of me really wants to. Not to say “this list of foods is the be all and end all for me” but to have something to look at when I need a bit of guidance.
I am sick of eating foods that make me feel like garbage because I choose them out of habit and some sort of false craving. I mean, I think the craving is there but I don’t really think my body is truly craving those foods. If it was, wouldn’t those foods make me feel energetic and well?
I am torn here. My M.O. would be to reject anything I write out like that. I don’t know if I am ready to buck the system.
