Sometimes I feel like I am barely any better off than I was 6 months ago.
I realize that is not 100% true but I sure wish I was more ahead with body acceptance and IE. I wish I was at a mental place where thinking about HAES doesn’t make me a little nuts in the head like thinking about a diet does. I fully support the concept of HAES. I am cool with moving my body and eating well for health vs. to lose weight. But I find that when I start thinking about what it means for me to eat healthy I get in that annoying rebellion phase that I often find myself during a diet. Not nearly as bad but it is there. What’s with that?
I am at some sort of wall. I’m making sure to visit IE and FA blogs regularly each day. That is definitely helping to keep me in a good place in my mind over all. I just want to grasp this HAES bit and run with it. It’s frustrating me that I feel so close but something internal is pushing back at me. It’s a little embarrassing, actually.
Z and I had a fun day of shopping, riding a 2 level carousel (or “carouself” as she calls it), and sharing a bowl of ice cream. As we watched the carousel go around and around, we enjoyed spoonfuls of dulce de leche and brownie ice creams. Yum.
With several possible bites left in the bowl, Z informed me she was all done. Can I say how humbling it can be to admire a 2 year old when it comes to food? I love that she knew she was satisfied right then and there and ready to see what life brought next. I strive to be like that at every meal. And, unlike Z, it does not come naturally to me.
I think I gained a bit of weight from our trip to Maine. I really don’t know if that is a fact - I am not weighing myself and my jeans fit fine. But my face looks bigger to me.
It makes me grumpy.
I am not at risk of giving up IE and jumping on the familiar diet bandwagon. I am pretty comfortable in knowing that would only make things worse. But I am frustrated by the negative thoughts I have when I see a picture of myself. I want to be one of those cool HAES bloggers who has the confidence and self-esteem to be happy with the mirror. Granted, I’m not even practicing HAES fully yet anyway. I won’t pretend that I am treating my body well - yes, sometimes but not the majority of the time. Not yet. Work in progress and all that jazz.
It’s really the fatness of my face that bothers me. I am able to rework negative thoughts about my body when they come up. But my face - it’s too personal. I don’t feel like I look like me. The face I see in the mirror doesn’t bother me - it’s the one in photos. It looks so different.
So I don’t know how to combat that. And that really bothers me.
In various stages of my adult life, I have flirted with becoming a morning exerciser. The only time I was consistent with it for a long time was when I was working full time, going to graduate school full time, had a crazy long commute (minimum car time with 2 hours a day), and around 25 years old.
I have never been a morning person. It’s tough for me to get out of bed (although, now, I get out once Z is awake so there’s no slow rise for me any more). The idea of getting up at 5 to get a workout in is intimidating. When I was doing it at age 25 I was getting up at 4:30 and doing workouts like The Firm.
Anyway, the reason why I still flirt with this is because it’s the only way I can see being a consistent exerciser in my current life. It guarantees a time of day where life won’t interrupt (sans illness) and it starts my day off with a boost of energy and to my self-esteem.
The random attempts to morning exercise in the last few years have often been met with my crazy morning mind who convinces myself I’ll totally do it later that day. Crazy Morning Mind is a big fat liar.
So this is one of my bigger goals as of late. I’m still a little ragged from traveling so I’ll probably start in a few days. I’m posting about it to keep myself accountable.
JetBlue has a TV for every seat (loved that!). I watched a lot of the Food Network which was a first for me. I think I’ll check out some of those shows more regularly. Z enjoyed watching all of the meal prep as well.
Special K’s protein water ad was aired several times. I can’t find it online for the life of me so I’ll briefly describe. A woman (I think at work) comes into the staff room and is so hungry that she almosts takes a piece of cake out of the trash to eat it. But her will power wins and she goes off to drink some protein water (um, gag).
Ehhh, I seriously doubt a person who is willing to eat cake trash is going to be satisfied by some sickly sweet protein water. And I am baffled as to why that would be the choice Special K came up with - dessert garbage or protein water. Decisions, decisions, decisions. Why not just simply reject the candy machine or non-trash cake?
I know some disordered eaters do take food out of the trash - I remember stories shared in OA meetings. But protein water is not the answer to that issue in the slightest.
That ad just really grated my nerves so I wanted to share. And as I searched YouTube I came across another incredible annoying Special K ad so I’ll share that instead.
The fam is flying cross country to Maine (brrrr!) on Sunday for the week to visit the ILs. Unless something strikes me, I doubt I’ll update the blog during then. I am going to have to find a wee bit of time each day to get my IE/FA blog fix, though. Especially with the little demons in my head reminding me that I am the exact same size as I was during last year’s visit (egads!).
I’ll continue with my internal come back response - well, at least I am not yo yo-ing up and down as per usual.
Z is eating a brown rice cake slathered in almond butter right now (along with an apple and some grapes).
The rice cake looks good to me. With the almond (or peanut) butter on it.
I wouldn’t have touched a rice cake while dieting since it was a classic diet food. My rebellious side wouldn’t have allowed it. I think it’s pretty funny that my body thinks it looks pretty darn good right now - and not because of the caloric content or whatever. But because it looks tasty all almonded up like that.
I finally got around to watching Penn & Teller’s Bullshit! show on obesity after reading about it on a couple of blogs. We actually get Showtime because of DH’s work (they pay for it - woot!) but I have never seen this show. I think I am going to let Tivo know that it gets some green thumbs up. Never mind that Penn has a special place in my heart for being the voice of Comedy Central - his voice brings me back to college and Mystery Science 3K viewings.
I don’t have much new to add that hasn’t been discussed in the linked blogs or their comments. I am happy that this topic is being discussed outside of the blogosphere and talk show genre. And in a funny, entertaining way.
YouTube has the episodes in 3 parts - warning, mucho language and a bit of nudity.
