I’m here - not on the diet band wagon and no plans to.  Just slowly (key word) trying to figure out how to eat well while not waking the diet demons.  It’s a juggling act.

About the foods I eat.  Not in a diet way but in a “I want to feel better, have more energy” way.

Doing a lot of reading and being very careful in allowing the info I read be just that - info - not gospel, not some unbreakable rules that will drive me over the edge.

I’m not reading any diet materials, just nutrition stuff.  I can honestly say that this is coming from a How My Body Feels Place, not a How My Body Looks Place.  That’s new and different.

I’ve been feeling pretty blah about blogging lately.  I don’t feel like I have anything interesting to say, any new insights, not even any new complaints!  And I have barely been reading my favorite IE/FA blogs as well.

What’s up with that?

Geneen Roth suggests food journaling as part of the Intuitive Eating process. That freaks me out. But The Rotund’s recent “flogging” has put that journaling thought once again in my head.

I have decided that although writing down the food I eat makes me feel queasy and a bit “diety in the head” that taking a photo of it and letting it go out into the ether does not. That’s a bit of a run-on but I think my point is made. I want to have some sort of sense of what I am eating but without the diet mentality or judgment.

So here’s my new flog.

I have a weekend conference next week and the fam is coming along since it’s in beautiful Monterey. I just realized the hotel has an indoor pool and I know Z would love that. So she not only needs a new bathing suit but I am 99% sure I need one as well. Last summer I just wore my old suit that fit everything but my breasts which are larger due to nursing (although we’re working on weaning and I swear they haven’t change size since she was an infant and nursing every 2 hours - I wouldn’t mind them shrinking a tad once she has fully weaned). I didn’t mind swimming in that bathing suit at our building since my boobs spilling out wasn’t too horrible and it was where we lived. But a public pool seems to require a better fitting bathing suit.

So, after I double check that my 2 suits aren’t fitting the girls, I’m going to have to deal with the dreaded bathing suit shopping this week. I can be decently body happy in my Right Fit Jeans and form fitting (not tight) shirt but a bathing suit is another matter. Some mind prep work is in order.

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Busy week here so not much time to post. Z and I used a Toys R Us gift card for her this week (she got a hobby horse - wheee!) and while there I saw two toys that made me do a double take. America’s Top Model has a doll now. I realize this isn’t much different than something like a Bratz doll but it just struck me as odd that a teen/adult show would be marketed to little girls. OK, maybe not odd, maybe disappointedly obvious? I don’t watch ATM. I know it’s a guilty pleasure for some but #1 modeling doesn’t interest me in the slightest and #2 Tyra Banks is the equivalent to nails on a chalkboard for me. My childhood sexy, winking Western Barbie seems quite tame compared to this doll - sheesh, just look at how the ATM doll is posing.

But the toy that really bothered me was the Lots To Love baby doll (phone picture below).

The dolls look like just the typical, roly poly dolls that are out there. Nothing exceptionally large about them. They’re cute dolls and I know Z would enjoy one. I Googled them and found at least one concern that they promote obesity in children (*snort*) but also several reviews that kids like them without mention that they are (egads!) fat babies.

Concerning the packaging, which is what caught my eye, the tag line is “It’s Just Baby Fat”. A, Not a catchy tag line and B, what the frick is that supposed to mean?? These baby dolls are still worth playing with and loving because it’s just baby fat and, therefore, not the permanent kind? I am not sure there is another way of deciphering this lame tag line.**

Is it even possible to raise a child to like their bodies into adulthood with all this crap being shoved in their faces starting at practically birth? Obviously, the all mighty dollar in this household won’t be used for such toys but it’s not like I can avoid her exposure completely.

** Tee hee, I was just ranting about this doll to the husband and he replied “Well, just be glad they changed the name from ‘Hard to Love Baby’”. Hee.

Morality and food. I thought I was past this and didn’t give it much thought but with all of the HAES/FA talk in the fatosphere as of late, I realize this is my biggest block with treating HAES in my mind the way it is meant to be treated (i.e., without all of my fricken’ baggage).

So that’s where I am. I’m happy to finally be at a place where I feel like I have some guidance in my path. I was wrong when I thought I wasn’t feeling guilty over certain food choices. I am. It may be a tiny, quiet voice but it’s there. Nagging at me. Judging me. Being upset that my food choices weren’t always making my body feel good. Removing the morality from food is the first step I need to take and, by doing that, I think my food decisions will be more in tune with what my body actually wants.

I’m pretty amazed that the fatosphere is all a tizzy talking about HAES. This is exactly the conversation I need to be soaking my feet in. I see myself in many commenters and I also appreciate the wording of HAES done by some. Very eye opening.

Seriously, this massive explosion of discussion could not have come at a better time for me, personally. I don’t have much to add - I’m just nodding along with so many. Understanding myself better, understanding HAES and how I was treating it in my own wobbly mind, and also figuring out how I feel about HAES’s presence in FA.

The block I am having with HAES is the guilt I feel about not practicing it to the best of my ability. And, the thing is, guilt shouldn’t even be associated with HAES in that fashion in the first place.

What is it about me that makes me feel guilty with how I am as a person? Rational Me knows that I am a good person, a good mommy, a good wife, a good friend, a good professional, a good daughter. So why should the fact that I struggle with taking care of myself to my fullest potential make me feel like such shit at times? What’s with this judge and jury in my head??

But, I’m still here. I’m not dieting. I am fighting back negative thoughts (*most of the time*). I am trying to become the female role model I want my daughter to grow up with. I do not want her life (for me, namely, my 20s) wasted away by body hate, dieting, self-esteem issues, yadda yadda yadda. Never mind the crazy ass crap that is out there for her to read when she’s barely 10 years old. <sigh>

And, on a slightly related note, please don’t comment on my blog to tell me you can make me “stop gaining weight” and become an intuitive eater in 21 days. I want that second back when I clicked on “spam” instead of my normal “approve”. Bah.